It's already so hard when you lose a friend.
It's so infinitely harder when you lose a best friend.
And it's the hardest, when your best friend isn't your girlfriend anymore..
I thought you would remember the things which are important to me.
// A day in the life of an almond nut //
@1:33 AM
life is always so full of surprises
I always felt I was 2nd compared to her friends. Like since I'm her bf already and she knows that she has my whole heart, she can start putting other people first because I would still be her bf if she did that - I totally agree with this because I would still be her bf, just that it stings.
I never realised that she could read me so well.. knowing exactly what I was sad about because I always seemed to get superpoked, like an afterthought kind of thing. But she made it up for me by giving me so many many more. Perhaps this is just a coincidence that I'm reading into too much, but no matter what, I do appreciate it alot. I really feel like asking her about this, but it's not a good moment. Maybe she may even read this post and if she's ready, she would willingly answer my questions.
Perhaps there's more to her than meets the eye.
Perhaps after all, she is the one I'll walk down the aisle with, hand in hand.
Baby, you once told me that you were so jealous I wrote so many things about Lin. Now it's come a full circle, and I'm writing it for you, cause I love you.
// A day in the life of an almond nut //
@10:02 PM
Ok, I did it. Things must go right now.
The pain will come later.
But the love for my girlfriend is real.
// A day in the life of an almond nut //
@10:45 PM
What can I do? What will I do? What must I do?
It's been so long since I last blogged. Reflecting back on my previous posts it seemed I was so happy and carefree once. It's hard for me to picture that now.
I need a new blog skin! But someone special made this one for me.. I didn't used to cherish it and somehow, her attention so focused on me in the past went on to other people.
I feel so much better just typing in these few simple sentences. Knowing no one will read my blog so I can just pour everything out here.
There are so many things I wonder on this path of healing. So many thoughts are crumbled up and then mishmashed into a huge ball of shredded paper. I don't know how I am going to work them out, and I don't know whether I may end up destroying some of those fragile paper thin emotions while trying to sort them out.
I can safely say that I love her with my entire heart, and I've been placed through quite a number of tests which makes me very sure of this - I've totally become numb to flirting with other girls - even those who imply sexual references right in front me. Am I becoming gay? No, I simply respect my girlfriend too much to want to do anything to hurt her. Besides, she is already the most attractive girl I ever knew in my life.
Right now being in NS, I have no looks, no freedom, no time and no money. In the rungs of society, I am squarely at the bottom. It is at this point of time when I need my girlfriend the most. What I've been told was I was too clingy and it just hurt alot. Maybe I really am though.. Sigh I do not want to dwell too much into this matter or it would be no turning back.
I want to be her prince in shining armour, her pillar of strength and support - but circumstances dictate otherwise. I want to be the one she turns to, the one she seeks security and comfort in, the one she comes running to when her days aren't going very well. How I wished I could be in her course, getting to know her friends and building a strong bond with her.. She told me about how he opened the gate for her when she was locked inside the campus, and I'd give anything to hear her call to me for help.
"Baby boo you there? =( I'm stuck behind the gate and it doesn't open.. can help me please baby?"
Sigh. Such are the words and dreams I fantasise about, which is why it was such an extremely intense feeling when she told me to follow her to try enter a corridor of her campus cause it's dark and she's scared. Maybe I'm being overly dramatic - but I would have loved to hold her close to me and tell her everything is alright cause I'm there.
It is so very painful when I'm loved as a boyfriend but I can't serve my purpose. It is so very painful as well when reality is that good friends of your everyday life are much more important than a boyfriend of another place and another time. This isn't a matter of a lack of trust or jealousy or envy - it's a matter of helplessness and it's awful. I know that the stars don't align well, but when they do, it's like heaven.
I think zilin hit the nail on the head with what she told me
"yue hao.. i'm pretty sure she does things for u once in a while right?
people tend to take their boyfriends/girlfriends for granted
besides for the guy.. it's a new friendship
it is inevitable that they are excited about each other"
The least I could do as a boyfriend who really tries to understand his girlfriend, is to give her space and freedom to do the things she really loves.
Even though I don't get as many reassurances or special somethings - like being baked a cake, not scones though they are really yummy =p when baked by her for my birthday, I do appreciate the other things which she has done for me as well. This is really such a tough struggle for her feelings and my feelings, but a struggle I know I would have to graciously give way to..
After all, I just love my girlfriend very much. What can I do?
// A day in the life of an almond nut //
@10:18 AM
